Hilary Clinton Announces Presidential Campaign for 2020

Clinton supporters rejoice! It is official. Hillary Clinton has announced her intentions to run for presidency in the 2020 and 2024 elections, as well as all others after that. Clinton shared that it was The Little Train that Could that inspired her to run for presidency. She tells herself over and over “Yes we can, Yes we can…” and knows that she will eventually win the election if she tries hard enough and enough times. Ralph Nader also interrupted our interview to make sure we noted that you could still vote for him by writing him in.

The Secret Reason for Nicki Minaj’s Ass Implants

Nicki Minaj’s Ass. We’ve all seen it. It’s voluptuous. Some call it booty-full. Several people passing Nicki in the street have complained of losing watches, rings, and other small belongings to her ass-centric gravitational pull. There’s no doubt she’s got juice in her caboose but there is a huge misconception as to why Nicki Minaj filled up her badonkadonk.

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Many criticize Nicki as being a sex symbol who changes her body to appeal to men. It is time to dispel those rumors, and reveal the truth. The truth, is comfort. Nicki Minaj has the true freedom to sit anywhere she damn well pleases, because her ass is so damn comfortable. A small investment in butt implants has allowed her to sit wherever she desires. Minaj no longer has to live a stressful life, yearning to find the right couch or chair, and has saved thousands of dollars by not having to make such difficult purchases. It is estimated that her revolutionary implants will influence millions of others to follow her lead.

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The Truth About ‘Sexist Pigs”

With the rise of feminism there has been an increased bashing against sexist pigs. These feminist assumptions are not only wrong but insulting. PIGS ARE NOT THE PROBLEM HERE. Pigs have been fairer and more open-minded than any feminist. For years pigs have just turned the other cheek to the insults, but it is time to stop blaming the innocent… And just look how innocent and cute pigs are.

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This is not the face of sexism — this is the face of joy and love. And shame on you for hating the hogs.

18-Year-Old College Freshman Remembers to Vote

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Justin Richards (18) is a freshman in college. As we know, the college age group is seriously under-represented in elections. Justin is doing his part to change that.

“Yeah, like everyone was all telling me to vote because it is super important and stuff. I was just kinda like ‘screw it,’ I’m gonna ditch class and vote. And I am so glad I did. The whole experience was awesome. You get there, and it is practically like a multiple choice test – which I’ve been rockin’ for ages. Except this one is even easier – because there is like, no wrong answer! You just gotta fill something out and you’ve helped America!”

Justin chose not to share who he voted for, as he had difficulty remembering.

“uhhh, honestly, I didn’t know who anyone was. I made a rad pattern on my sheet though.’”

The Salty Badger commends Justin for being part of the community and voting. Because of Justin’s voting, candidates with “sick names” and candidates who sounded like they might have big boobs, now have a better chance of winning. We wish more students would follow his valiant example. Justin shows that even the young college students have an opinion, and breaks the stereotype that they just ‘don’t give a shit’ about the elections.

Parents Excited to Cover Ugly Child’s Face on Halloween

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Most babies are cute and adorable, but every once in a while, a horror pops out. George and Loretta Johnson had the misfortune of having a truly hideous baby.

“I remember being put in shock when I saw my child after pregnancy. I don’t know how that face could have come from us. I asked my doctor if it was too late for an abortion, and just balled when he said that you can’t kill a newborn baby.” -Loretta Johnson

The Johnsons considered putting the child up for adoption, but realized they could not put any aspiring parents through the suffering of raising such an ugly child. Luckily, there is one day a year where they do not have to be ashamed of being seen with their child in public. Halloween.

“Halloween really is the best day of the year for us. It is our one chance to dress our child how we wish he could be. When we put a mask over his face people will actually be able to sincerely say that he looks adorable.” -George Johnson

The Johnsons briefly considered saving money by having their son trick or treat as himself, noting that he’d be bound to win any Scariest Costume Awards, but upon realizing they may have to put the award photo on their fridge, decided it would be best to try and cover up his monstrosity.

U.S. Military Capitalizes on Powers of Mormon Magic Underwear

An Update of Recent Events Within the US Military

Mormon Super Soldiers

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For years the ignorant have laughed and scorned the renowned Mormon magic underwear. Recently the LDS Church posted a video to try and dispel the mockery, saying that the underwear is similar to any other religious garb; but they did not reveal the underwear’s true power. They did not reveal what makes the underwear magical. One learns during the LDS Temple Ceremony, that garments “will be a shield, and a protection to you against the power of the destroyer until you have finished your work here on earth.” Essentially, the magic underwear is an improved version of the Mithril armor seen in Lord of the Rings. Mormon folklore confirms that the underwear offers supernatural physical protection. The United States military learned of the magical underwear and decided to take advantage of the undergarments’ protection, and has recruited a six-person team of Mormons to volunteer for a classified mission in Palestine that involved dangers of fire, gunshots, and explosions — which the indestructible underwear will prevent from injuring the Mormon Marines. Our confident Captain Americas departed on their week-long mission a month ago. Unfortunately the military has had no communication from our Mormon Super Soldier and has been forced to declare them MIA. It is assumed that upon the Mormon members realizing the power of invincibility they held, they went rogue and chose to live independent lives as super heroes.